What to get your husband for his 40th birthday

Yes, today is the day. I’m officially married to a man in his 40′s. The idea is a little creepy, honestly. I always thought if I was ever married to a man in his 40′s, he’d be fabulously rich and I’d be his arm candy.  As it stands, the only candy anywhere in sight is a huge bucketful of leftover Halloween booty for which my daughter worked her cute little ass off. Bless her heart, at least she shares.

But I digress… The big Four-Oh happens only once, and everyone assumes huge celebrations must ensue. My husband included, although he has told me numerous times that he “doesn’t want a party”. Like a moron, I took him at his word.

Yesterday, the very day before his birthday, he comes home from work and drops the bomb I didn’t even know enough to dread.

Him: “What’s the plan for tonight?”

Me: “What do you mean? You have plans to go play paintball with your buddies. I’m having the girls over for dinner.”

Him: “No, really. What are we really doing?”

Me: *** internal groan *** “Honey, that’s really what’s going to happen.”

He blinks in surprise.

Me: “You thought it was a ruse to throw you off a surprise party, didn’t you?”

Him: “Well, yeah. Kinda.” He frowns. “It’s not?”

Me: “You said you didn’t want a party.”

Him: “But it’s my 40th.”

Me: “Now I feel like a horrible wife.”

Him: “Nah, it’s ok.” He shrugs and turns back to the TV.

Me: “Oh, shit. Now I REALLY feel like a horrible wife.”

Him: “It’s ok. Tonight will be fun with the guys.”

I walk away, feeling lower than pond scum, then I realize I already spent over $700 to send him to Game 3 of the World Series only weeks ago. THAT was supposed to be the ‘big deal’ gift we agreed would be his early birthday present. Problem is, the game was terrible. So where things sit is that I’ve given him a ridiculously expensive gift that royally sucked, and now I’ve disappointed him with no party.
What the heck am I going to do now?

With a situation like this, buying him something else that likely fall flat once again will only serve to exacerbate the problem. The question is – what do I NOT get him that will make him equally as happy as getting a good gift?

After some deliberation with girlfriends over wine (I only had one glass people, the fetus is fine), and some alone time waiting for hubby to come home from his guy’s night in a quiet house, I came up with a pretty stellar list. Here’s the countdown:

#5 – I will not buy him clothes in the sizes he swears he still wears, because they only piss him off. He’s on his own for purchasing his own clothes, which is why he owns next to nothing. I’m cool with that. Moment of suicidal disappointment over not having the bodies we did when we were married – avoided. Check.

#4 – I will not buy the thing I’ve been searching on Google for, for about six months now. Beyonce, the big red chicken.  If you haven’t heard of Beyonce, you must
read about her to get the full story as to why this particular purchase and bringing it to my home would bring me mountains of joy, but would knowingly and willfully sacrifice my husband’s sanity.  (Trust me, it’s worth the time you spent reading my post by about a thousand percent. http://thebloggess.com/2011/06/and-thats-why-you-should-learn-to-pick-your-battles/Moment of homicidal rage – avoided. Check.

#3 – I will not buy him any more hunting equipment.  He’s not allowed to go when the baby arrives because it’s only right he be as in prison as I am for a while as we bathe, change, feed and cry our ways through our days and nights for a while. Plus, there always seems to be more reasons for him to not go whenever the opportunity arises (no, it’s not always me saying no – honestly). Buying him more toys he can’t play with seems rather cruel really. So I shall not. You’re welcome, honey. Kisses.

#2 – I will not buy him a new car. That’s it. The answer seems pretty self-evident, doesn’t it?  here really is no silver lining here, because he desperately wants one,
but it’s a third car payment in a two person driver home. I abstain only because I love him so much that I refuse to let him fall into the stereotype of a middle aged man trying to recapture his youth through a hot, spicy little sports car. Negative stereotype – avoided. Check.

And… drum roll please….

#1 – I will not buy him an at-home vasectomy kit.  This man has griped and complained that if he’d just had a vasectomy when he wanted, I wouldn’t be pregnant right now. It’s hard to argue with that kind of logic, because he’s absolutely right. Therefore, because the precious child growing in my belly is destined to be the LAST child growing in my belly, I want nothing more than to give him the thing he’s been wanting for a couple of years now. But to give it to him for his birthday means I’d have to modify the gift a bit for delivery today, and though the intention is good, the execution might suffer a tad.  So I’m going to pass, just in case the pair of pliers and stolen scalpel from the hospital aren’t as well received as my intention. Maybe I’ll just get Katie to write out a coupon for a vasectomy in
crayon, to be used for later redemption. Yep, that’s gotta be the way to go. Problem Solved. At least now I know what to tie a bow on now….

Sometimes it helps just to talk through these things. Thanks, people.

And finally – Happy Birthday, honey.

At 30, 40, 50, 60 – it’ll always be you and me. I apologize in advance.

One thought on “What to get your husband for his 40th birthday

  1. The best exceptional birthday presents come from a genuine heart. If you’re set on giving a 65th birthday gift that won’t fail to inspire a special person, write your feelings and convey them into a song. You may choose to look for the aid of buddies and relatives that are capable enough to guide you on this endeavor. Turn it into a collective effort, and reveal to your special someone how much his or her being part of your life has motivated you. You may convert it into a moving music, and even a soothing, emotional song. Undeniably, there is no better means by which to convey how you treasure someone than combining words and emotions to music.”

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